See Me, See Me Not Read online

  Her words hit me right in my heart. But I swallow the pain.

  “Even that’s not news or a proof of your psychic abilities. How many people wrote articles about me hiding for too long instead of running for help?”

  “But how many people know you almost got run over by the car that took your sister, that you were running to get that stray dog but she caught up to you and told you to stay put? How many people know you’re the one who convinced her to move from where your mom could see you to the road, that when your sister didn’t come back, you only hid because you were afraid of getting into trouble?”

  My chest squeezes and my chin dips to my chest.

  Mom, instead of offering a word of comfort, turns to me with a hopeful smile. “I didn’t tell her that, and only the police know about Buster.”

  Buster. The stray dog I wanted to save. He was running on the road, looking way too thin. I tried to get to him but that car almost hit me. I didn’t see the driver. Mellie pushed me to the side, yelling at me to be careful, and she ran after Buster. And whoever was in that car grabbed her. I never thought Mom would agree to help Buster or to take him in. She didn’t want to at first and she still sometimes looks at him like he’s responsible, but she said Mellie disappeared trying to save him.

  And she should be able to see him when she comes back.

  Sometimes, Buster jumps on my bed and puts himself in a ball right behind me, all warm and cuddly, as if he knows the guilt and pain engulfing me and he’s doing his best to make me feel better.

  “I trust her. She’s going to gather the spirits and come back to us with more information. We’re finally going to find Mellie.”

  She stands up and wraps me into a hug. So much hope in that hug.

  “I hope you’re right, Mom,” I whisper but we’ve been here so many times before. Even though I hope Mellie’s alive, I can’t believe Faye. No matter what she says or what she claims to know. Maybe she found out about Buster from one of the online forums Mom spends her nights in. She talks about all those details there. I know because she told me another girl got kidnapped after trying to rescue a dog. She was exchanging information with that mother and everyone logged into that forum could see what she wrote.

  Despite Mom’s hope, my throat tightens as I wonder if once more, all we’re going to get is disappointment and pain.

  Chapter Sixteen – Mellie

  Once you join the Circle, you don’t need any of your earthly belongings.

  Your heart and soul and body become the Circle.

  The Circle is all you need.

  (The Circle’s Book of Truth – Rule Four)

  My legs are heavy and my arms hurt. I turn around and sit but I have to crouch a bit and my back aches.

  The door slams and my heart jolts into my mouth. He almost never slams the door. It could be Abram again. And if he’s mad, he’s going to hurt me or Jeremiah.

  He opens the latch back up and I breathe a sigh of relief. “It’s you,” I whisper. He helps me back up.

  I wince but don’t complain.

  “I’m sorry you’re in pain,” he mutters but doesn’t glance my way.

  I hold on to the table, afraid to look at him in the eyes. His eyes never lie. He’s only gotten angry at me three times throughout the years: when I tried to escape and he had to run after me, when I talked back to Master Abram, and when Isabel died.

  If he’s angry, it will be plain in the way he’ll narrow his eyes and in the way he’ll look at me: full of disappointment.

  “Master Abram was right. He’s always right. Evil is back, and you—” He bites the word and he looks conflicted. “You could have gotten us killed.”

  I don’t answer. I don’t defend myself.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  And then it dawns on me what he knows. He always finds out. Hiding from him is useless. “I wasn’t sure,” I whisper. “I’m sorry.”

  “I knew I shouldn’t have listened to you.” He tilts my head up. His lips are pursed. The scar on his neck is redder than usual. It screams at me that I’m not worth it, that he already almost died to save me. He rubs the crease between his eyebrows with his index finger and my stomach clenches. Dad used to do the same thing. I want to close my eyes but this will only make him angrier.

  “I’m sorry,” I repeat. I don’t remind him it was his idea for me to climb in the back of his car, to hide under the blankets and to drive for an hour away from town so I could go get my own pads. He said people looked at him funny every single time he bought them for me. We even laughed about it once. My task was to go out, hiding under a hoodie, buy a few boxes for the next few months…and then hurry back into the car.

  It was the third time he allowed me to leave the cabin. The first time was to see another family living in my old home. He told me my parents couldn’t deal with memories of me, that they wanted to forget me. The second time wasn’t very long ago—maybe a month or two. We went to a funeral far from here. We actually traveled for an hour and we stayed in a motel. We stood away from the crowd—there were only men at the funeral—and none of them talked to us—except Master Abram. He told me then that soon we would be allowed to go home. On the drive back, he cried once and told me the man who died had meant the world to him, but that he had disappointed him and that now Master Abram was the leader.

  “You didn’t tell me that woman saw you. She saw you, didn’t she?”

  I nod. His fingers tighten on my chin. And maybe he’s more scared than mad. His brown eyes appear darker. “Did you talk to her?”

  I shake my head.

  “Are you lying?”

  “I’m not. I’m not lying. You said if I talked to anyone, they might take me away. I didn’t talk to anyone.” I shiver. “She looked…weird. She was sitting by the bathroom door in a dark corner by herself with a spoon and a needle.” I clear my throat. “She saw me and she asked my name. I didn’t answer. I hid in the bathroom of that gas station until she left. Like you told me to if someone looked at me funny.”

  “That’s why it took you so long. I had told Master Abram I wanted to start giving you more freedom. I told him I was planning on taking you to that gas station. He warned me it could be dangerous. He warned me.” He lets go of my chin and I stumble back. I run a hand through my greasy hair. “She may be a problem,” he says and turns away from me. “Make some lunch with the eggs I brought back yesterday. I need to think.”

  He plops on the one reclining chair in our small cabin and grabs the book that never leaves him. The book that rules our world and our lives.

  The Circle’s Book of Truth.

  Master Abram said we needed to study, for when the time was right. He said he had a plan and that part of the plan was to save my sister. He said Jeremiah did good. That saving me was his redemption.

  The Book has the history of the Circle: how they started more than a hundred years ago, the rules they obey which were granted to them by the Divine, and how they prepare for the end of the world.

  Master Abram told us the end of the world might be coming sooner than they thought.

  Chapter Seventeen – Luke

  My uncle doesn’t linger after finishing his brunch. The restaurant slowly empties out. Tessa shows me how to clock out and how to make sure I separate my tips from tips for the kitchen and the girl making the smoothies and coffee drinks. Donelle is working a double, and she’ll take a break as soon as soon as the next waiter arrives. Tessa and I sit down at a table to roll the silverware together for the next shift.

  “How are you doing?” I ask, keeping my voice low.

  She doesn’t shrug like I almost expect her to. After all, she’s better than me at keeping her emotions at bay. She frowns. “I don’t know. I don’t want to talk about it. There’s nothing I can do at this stage. Mom is going to be Mom.”

  “Would you tell me if you needed anything?” Our eyes collide and she licks her lips. I’m not sure she notices but I do.

  “If I could, you’d be the
first to know,” she replies with the same words I used at the library yesterday. And I’m tempted to take her hand in mine. But instead, I follow her lead and roll silverware.

  Tessa keeps on glancing at me while her fingers seem to automatically wrap the napkin around the knife and fork.

  I lean in. “What do you want to know?” I ask because I’ve learned that being direct is better than pretending.

  Her fingers stop and she doesn’t hesitate. “You know what I want to know. Why do you live with your uncle?” She doesn’t pretend either.

  The corner of my mouth lifts up into half a smile. “Because I’m really a wizard who’s been accepted to Hogwarts but I don’t know it yet.”

  “Ha-ha.” She lifts a shoulder. “If you don’t want to talk about it, it’s fine. We can talk about how Cora already updated her status on social media to ‘it’s complicated.’”

  “What?” I scramble to grab my phone before realizing I left it in the waiters’ station.

  “Kiddin’.” She raises an eyebrow. “But she could have. She’s not big on games and she was there for Carlos after everything that happened last year.” Her tone sounds like a warning to not hurt Cora.

  I shrug and I hope she sees it’s not an I-don’t-give-a-fuck shrug, it’s more a no-one’s-going-to-get-hurt shrug. “She’ll be back with him by this evening.”

  “And you don’t care if she’s back with Carlos?”

  “Nope.” I watch her reaction but she doesn’t seem scandalized or disgusted. “We made out. Nothing less. Nothing more. She’s not in love. She doesn’t know me. She didn’t even ask me why I live with my uncle.” A faint blush creeps onto Tessa’s neck and it takes me a lot of strength to not take the easy way out and simply flirt my way out of her questions. I roll my shoulders, staring at the mountain of silverware in front of us. “I live with my uncle because he found out I ran away.”

  She opens her mouth but doesn’t say a word.

  So I continue. “After that one summer, he didn’t know where we were and he only found us again last year. My mom and he were never that close. She left her home when she was super young. That one summer here when we were ten was the first time I met him.”

  “Why did you run away?”

  “I had to. I didn’t want to run to my uncle because I didn’t want Mom and other people to know where I was. I ran away two years ago.” I don’t tell her I ran away with Lila—my little sister.

  She continues working in silence and then looks back up at me. “Where are your mom and Lacey now?”

  “I don’t know.” That’s half a lie. I know who they’re with. I can’t be sure Lacey didn’t manage to escape, but it’s unlikely. I know Mom would never leave. She’ll follow my stepdad and his cult until her death. My stomach churns. Lacey might not have a choice. My stepdad was always talking about the end of the world, how they needed to prepare for it, how they’d be happier and saved. But those were lies. I overheard him speaking on his cell phone. I don’t want to remember that day.

  As if Tessa senses me struggling with my thoughts, she nudges my foot with hers. “I still remember how Lacey and Mellie would make up stories about ghosts haunting the fields. And you put a worm in her shirt. Hard to forget how she jumped into the water right after, pulling you with her. I couldn’t stop laughing.”

  I remember that day. It was a week before Mom picked us up to bring us to our new home in the compound. Mom abandoned us even though she was right there with us. She abandoned us and I’ll never forgive her.

  I want to tell Tessa about Lila. I trust Tessa. She won’t say anything, but Lila’s social worker, Samira, repeated many times that I need to be careful about sharing Lila’s existence. And the FBI agent who came three months ago to give us an update said I shouldn’t say anything about Lila. If one person overhears us, they could spread the word.

  Like Kenneth yesterday. Kenneth’s cousin might face disciplinary action. Apparently, he got drunk and blabbered about cases he’d been researching.

  Tessa’s hand touches my shoulder and it feels like the warmth I’ve been missing. And clearly, I’m starving and suffering from lack of sugar.

  “Are you okay?” Her voice is soft like her touch.

  “Lacey almost died. Mom’s husband beat her and she almost died.” I don’t tell her what it was like to see her fall on the floor as he pounded her face. I don’t tell her what it was like to put myself between them and to have him shove me to the side like I was an annoying fly and nothing more. I don’t tell her how I cried and couldn’t even call 911. I don’t tell her it was my fault.

  “What happened to her?”

  I can’t talk anymore without losing it. So for the second time in a day, I gently tuck her hand into mine. “Let’s keep that story for another day, okay?”

  We finish our tasks and linger in the parking lot. She’s texting—probably her mom—and my mind is going a thousand miles per hour. I have my weekly visit with Lila at five, right during one of her soccer games. I’m not allowed to go to her foster family’s home. Even if they weren’t afraid of me being followed, the social worker explained that we should always meet in a neutral place. For Lila’s sake.

  Tessa’s phone rings. “Yes, Mom, I’m listening.” She holds her index finger up and sighs loudly but listens to whatever her mom’s saying carefully.

  I pull out my phone and text Lila’s case worker to let her know I’ll be on time tonight. Lila’s foster family’s been wonderful to her. Part of me wishes they would have taken me in too, so we could stay together, but I was still so furious back then. At everything. At everyone.

  Lacey begged me to make sure Lila could escape. “No matter what happens, don’t let her become me. Don’t let them take her.”

  “You’re going to be with us,” I replied to her and she nodded.

  But she was still limping from the beating our stepdad gave her and our stepdad was ready to marry her to Mason—a guy she had a crush on years earlier but who had issues. Like our stepdad, he believed you could beat people into obedience. Mason only wanted to get closer to our stepdad who was the leader’s second. They moved Lacey to a different house—the transition house, they called it, where the girls learned about their duties and the tasks that would be theirs in their new lives.

  We planned our escape for months.

  And when the night came, Lacey didn’t show up.

  When child protection services picked us up at the police station, I wouldn’t talk to them. I was afraid they’d take Lila away from me and they did anyways. I punched the social worker and then broke down, crying.

  The social worker helped me back up and visited me every day in the juvenile home where I stayed. She found a therapist who taught me the circle of violence could be broken, and my therapist convinced me to tell my social worker my real name. They contacted Uncle John then and I moved in with him.

  When we got picked up, the only thing I told them about was the compound and what was going on there: the abuse and the lies. I hoped they’d save Lacey. But they said they couldn’t find anything wrong when they went there. And whoever they saw said no members had left the compound.

  Tessa’s arm brushes against mine as she puts her phone into her bag. “Mom’s staying a bit later at work. That’s good. Maybe that’ll distract her from Faye.”

  “Do you believe in psychics?” I kick dust around with my foot and rub the back of my neck.

  “I don’t know. I don’t think so. I think some people feel differently…but I don’t think they have supernatural powers.” She tilts her head to the side as if she’s thinking about what to say next. “I do believe in people using other people though.”

  No shit. I could write a book on that topic.

  I need to get out of my head. “Are you going to the bonfire tonight?” I’m not planning on using Tessa as a painkiller, but spending time with her seems more appealing than flirting my way through another make-out session.

  “I don’t know.” Her head dips to he
r chin. “Erin asked me to go with her and Dimi. But with this new psychic claiming to know where Mellie is, I’m not sure leaving Mom alone tonight is the right choice. Even though she’s staying later at work, she’ll still be back around six or seven.” She kicks a rock. “Maybe Mrs. Fernandéz would stay with her. They watch telenovelas together sometimes.”

  “How about your dad?”

  “He’d come if I ask him. But it’s weird. I think deep down they still love each other. Even though Dad’s been seeing someone, if Mom would tell him she’s willing to see a counselor again, I’m sure he’d give their relationship another try. They’re toxic to one another right now, but he needs to know.”

  “Why did your dad move?”

  “They fought every single day. Mom cried. Dad retreated. He tried. He really did. She made their pain into some sort of competition. And according to her, he wasn’t suffering enough. He just suffered differently.”

  “She feels guilty,” I blurt out.

  Tessa bites her lips and glances at me with a knowing look. “He does too. He wasn’t home that Saturday and she wasn’t feeling great. Plus, back then, nothing ever happened in Gavert City. She didn’t watch us like a hawk.” She takes her keys out of her bag. “I feel guilty too. It eats me alive and keeps me up at night. You have no idea how much I’d like to turn back time.”

  I lean back and look at the sky. No clouds. Just clear blue. As if life was ever that fucking easy. “Tell me about it. I’m pretty good in my mechanics class, maybe I’ll invent a time machine before the semester is over.”

  “Maybe you should spend spring break working on it. And then by summer, we both can turn back time.”

  Her voice is warm and I can’t stop looking at her lips. Or her legs. And I want to keep on talking to her. “While I work on that, maybe you could come to the bonfire tonight…”

  “I’d ruin your style,” she says with a smile. “You, Luke, cannot meet a girl at the bonfire.”