See Me, See Me Not Read online

  I read and then dusted. I wrote in my diary: not everything, never everything. When he gave it to me, he explained I should bear my soul but the first time Master Abram got ahold of it, he got mad. Since then, I only write partial truths.

  I sigh. My hands prune in the water I use to clean the dishes. I don’t know how long I’ve been staring at the woods by our home. Darkness falls on the trees. Tessa needs to be saved. Protected. Especially if the end of the world is looming.

  “What are you thinking about?” The scar on Jeremiah’s neck no longer burns against his skin and his voice is soft.

  “Tessa,” I reply, pulling on my shirt. I need to do laundry…I’m only allowed to use the sink and it takes me forever to dry it inside.

  “We have a plan. Master Abram said everything is ready now that he’s the leader.” He sits down at our table and I serve him a bowl of soup. He taught me how to cook. He taught me everything.

  His eyes darken. “Do you remember the story I told you?”

  He’s told me many stories, but his nostalgic and sad tone tells me which one he’s referring to.

  “If you trusted the Circle you could have saved your mom.”

  “I could have. But I was stubborn and thought I knew better. She died.” He takes a deep breath. “Master Peter was right to kick me out of the compound but even though he was right, Master Abram still found a way to save me. He told me to stay close to the compound. He found me this cabin and told me the time would come for me to save people too, to recruit new members like my mom did. He promised me I’d be welcome back in the Circle.” He eats his now probably cold soup.

  “You saved me.”

  “You were special.” He smiles at me like he means every word. “Master Abram said you couldn’t go to the Circle yet because you needed to learn with me first. Master Abram told me you were my guardian angel and I was yours.” His spoon clatters against the bowl. “And then, there was Isabel.”

  “Isabel,” I whisper.

  Memories threaten to spill over and I force my breathing to calm down. Shivers run up and down my spine.

  I close my eyes. If I remember that afternoon, that one hour, that one moment…I will crumble and cry.

  He pushes his bowl away and his nose wrinkles in disgust. “Isabel wanted to break our family. She didn’t want to be saved,” he reminds me. “I found her begging and hurting and I thought she could be saved too. But I was wrong.”

  My tongue lingers on my teeth, finds the hole where I lost two in the past years and I take a deep breath, trying to find the words that will soothe him.

  But then his hand finds mine. “You saved me.” He gives me a reassuring squeeze. “We became family.”

  Family.

  Tessa.

  As if he reads my thoughts, he continues, “Master Abram knows about the woman who saw you. He’s been told by the divinity itself and he says he has a plan.” He exhales loudly. “Tessa’s friend—the one I told you about—used to be part of the Circle too.”

  I gasp and my eyes widen. “Maybe he’s been teaching her too.”

  He pulls my arm until I’m eye level with him. He doesn’t get mad often but his voice is made of steel as he replies, “He’s a traitor to the family. They gave him a chance. While I was begging Master Peter to let me come back, he didn’t appreciate his chance. He and his sisters betrayed Master Abram. They betrayed the Circle. He’s a traitor.”

  He lets go of me and pushes his bowl forward for me to add more soup.

  He’s quiet again. I eat next to him, clean up and then sit down on my bed. I pull out my diary and reread one entry from three years ago. My writing was sloppier then.

  Dear Diary,

  Jeremiah found ways to protect me again today. Without him, I’d be lost. He’s going to save Tessa. I believe he will.

  We will be together.

  Sisters forever.

  I miss her.

  Soon. Soon, this will be true.

  Chapter Twenty – Luke

  As soon as I get to the bleachers, Lila runs toward me, screaming my name. Her dark hair spills from her ponytail and she almost trips on a rock but balances herself back. I wave to her foster parents, Mitch and Amya, and open my arms. Lila rushes into them and I pick her up. “Aren’t you supposed to be on the field, winning this game?”

  “It’s halftime,” she giggles. “And I asked my coach if I could come and see you.”

  I carry her back to where her team is sitting. “I’m going to go sit with Mitch and Amya to watch you, okay?”

  We have the same dark hair—even though I keep mine in a buzz cut—but her small nose and her gray eyes are all Mom’s third husband: he was second-in-command at the Circle. Master Peter could be arbitrary (SAT word – my social worker would be proud), but Abram is worse. If he ever becomes leader, it’s going to be hell for people there. Lila’s smile dims and she wraps her arms around my neck. “Are Mommy and Lacey coming to see my game today?”

  “Not today, Lila love.” Keeping the smile on my face requires all my strength. “Remember what Samira told you?” Samira is her social worker.

  “That I’m loved.”

  I tickle her sides until she bends down laughing. “She’s right, you know. Now, go win that game!”

  She nods and sits back with her team.

  I head to the bleachers where Mitch and Amya look worried. Their usual smiles are replaced with identical frowns and my hands clench into fists, ready to grab Lila and run if they tell me Mom’s been found.

  “What’s going on?” I ask without even saying hello first.

  Amya’s hand touches my arm. “Why don’t you sit down?” She’s forcing herself to be calm, so instead of exploding like I might have before, I sit on one of the many empty seats next to them.

  “We’ve just heard from Samira.” She clears her throat. “The rumor is that Abram’s in charge. There’s been chatter the Circle is coming for their lost members—especially you and Lila because people doubt Abram’s the true leader if his own family doesn’t believe.”

  My entire body tenses. I’m ready to jump up and grab Lila. Abram in charge isn’t good news. Abram hates me. He hates us. “I didn’t hear about this.”

  “We got the phone call when you were on the road. Your uncle also called us. He wanted to make sure you were with us and not by yourself when you heard about it.” Her hand touches my knee for a second. I turn to her and she’s looking at me like she knows I want to run away. With Lila. “Don’t do anything you might regret. Lila’s safe with us. You’re safe with your uncle. If the rumors happen to be true, they might be closer to finding out where Lacey and your mom are staying, to finding Abram.”

  Abram’s a fraud. He tried to convince me I didn’t hear him correctly when he was on the phone talking about the amount of money he could make off stupid people.

  He will go after us. He wants me to be silent. He wants me dead.

  “We need to be aware. Samira told us she and the police will keep us updated. Nothing is confirmed yet.” Mitch’s gaze intently follows every one of Lila’s movements, like he’s afraid she’s going to disappear.

  “Okay.” I roll my shoulders but the tension doesn’t dissipate.

  “We’re glad you’re staying with the sheriff. They won’t start anything there.”

  I don’t tell them I’m not sure this would stop Abram. “You need to watch out for my mother. If Abram decided he wanted us back, she’d help him, and Lila would follow my mother.”

  Amya grabs Mitch’s hand. “Samira will pass by tonight to help us talk to Lila about being even more careful.”

  My throat tightens. My mind’s full of images: Lacey crying after Abram threatened to kill her if she continued to question him, the games the kids played until one of them was deemed too loud and got punished, Mom telling me I needed to get tougher, and then Lila…Lila who didn’t know anything else and learned to not laugh too loudly, to not look people in the eyes, to serve. She was only six and they were already
talking about whom she should be married to when she turned sixteen.

  “Please, keep her safe.”

  “You know we will.”

  I keep my head straight and look at Lila passing the ball to one of her teammates. She’s happier now. She’s not afraid. She still doesn’t sleep in the dark but she’s talking to others, opening up. She has friends.

  “We’ve been preparing for this moment. We knew they might try to take her back. We won’t let it happen,” Mitch replies, his voice tight with emotions. They love Lila like their own. I hope they’re able to adopt her one day. Lila would be safe with them. Safe and happy.

  “Will you keep me updated?” I ask, still not looking at them. They know how bad I was when we were found, how much anger I had. I used to yell at them. I told them Lila would never be theirs. And they stood there. They let me unleash before Mitch took me to the side and told me his story of being a foster kid.

  “Of course we will.” Amya gives my arm a gentle squeeze. “And please, don’t try to be a hero.”

  I don’t answer. If Mom’s lurking around, I won’t tell her where Lila is. I won’t send Lila back to this place. I’ll go back by myself and get beaten if I must.

  Lila turns to us. Uncertainty on her face. Samira said kids are resilient but that Lila does suffer from abandonment fears. We all stand up and cheer her on, until her lips turn into a smile again.

  I won’t let her down.

  Not like I did with Lacey.

  Even if it means I can’t see her for a while. I’m always careful about not being followed and they always make sure to stop in several places before going home, but if Abram’s looking for us, he’ll know where to find me.

  Uncle John may be the sheriff, but he won’t be able to protect me.

  Not from them.

  Chapter Twenty-one - Tessa

  Mom’s in the kitchen with Mrs. Fernandéz, making some taco salad and talking about their telenovelas. Mom’s voice is a bit too high and she keeps on stealing glances at me. Worried glances.

  “Make sure you don’t accept any drinks. Always keep your phone with you.”

  I pat her arm as reassuringly as I can. “I will, Mom.”

  She adds avocadoes to the salad, her hands shaking. “Don’t leave the group.”

  “I won’t.” I know how much it stresses her out that I’m going out, so I keep my tone as calm as possible. Plus, if she worries too much, she’ll come drag me with her again.

  She stops tossing the salad and turns her full attention to me. “Call me if you need anything. I’ll come and pick you up. I’ll call the police.”

  “She’s going to be careful, Mamita.” Mrs. Fernandéz uses the soothing voice she always uses with Mom.

  Mom exhales loudly and wipes her hands before drinking a sip of her wine. “Your dad called. He’ll be here first thing in the morning.” She doesn’t sound happy about it. “At least he’s not bringing her,” she adds and then bites her lip. “I mean, at least he’s coming.”

  “Of course he is. He cares.”

  “Not enough,” she mutters. There’s no doubt in my mind she still has a thing for him. Every time she sees him, her first reaction is to smile, and then she must remember their past, their drama, their fights. “Anyways…,” she adds and wraps her arms around me “You look great. And I know I don’t say it enough but I hope you’re going to have fun. I want you to live, Tessa. Not only survive.”

  If her tone was a song, she’d be the original soundtrack of a drama movie. The one moment where the audience is expected to feel all the emotions. Like I am. My chest constricts from too many unsaid words. I’m always careful to not give Mom more reason to feel guilty. But it’s hard. “I know, Mom.” I hug her back.

  “I’m sorry.” She clears her throat in an attempt to hide her voice breaking. “I know it’s not easy for you either. It’s just…that…I do think Mellie is alive and that Faye might bring her back to us.”

  “I want her to be alive too,” I whisper because if I talk any louder I won’t be able to stop my tears. “I miss her.”

  Mrs. Fernandéz caresses my hair. “You both are going to make me cry. Come on, Tessita. You need to go. Your mom and I are going to live through the adventures of Señor Eduardo.” I kiss both of them on their cheeks, pet Buster, who is lying on the couch like it belongs to him, and head out the door.

  Instead of jumping into my car, I inhale deeply. The evening air is mixed with the smell of ribs being barbecued not far from our mobile home. There may be another community event. The mobile home park promotes these events as renting points for people. Maybe I should stay home, enjoy the quiet evening with Mom and Mrs. Fernandéz. Everyone’s going to be at the lake—including Kenneth and Simon. I don’t need their shit tonight.

  My phone beeps. We’re here. Erin writes.

  If I don’t go, it will only be because I’m worried. Worried about what people might say. Worried about not fitting in. Worried about wanting to spend time with Luke and getting my heart broken.

  My heart sings a very confused tune at the thought of seeing him tonight. Like it’s not sure it’s allowed to anticipate happiness.

  I look up at the sky. But there’s no answer. Only the dusk settling. Soon, it’s going to be dark and the stars are going to shine. Like they were the day before Mellie disappeared. We climbed on the roof of our home and she showed me the stars. Sisters forever. She held my hand in hers. “One day, I’ll go to the stars. I’ll know what they all mean and all their secrets,” she whispered. “Wherever we are, whenever you look at the stars, you’ll know I’m thinking about you.”

  We stayed on the roof singing to the stars until Dad called for us to climb back down. We got in trouble for sneaking up there but we couldn’t stop smiling. Mellie and I fought and made up at least ten times a day, but this moment was special. I felt like nothing would ever separate us then. Sisters forever. I lean against my car and blink my eyes as quickly as possible. I can’t cry. Not now. Not again.

  Mom’s right. I have to live. No matter where Mellie is, we always have the stars.

  I’m on my way, I type to Erin and start my car.

  By the time I make it to the makeshift parking lot close to the lake, I’ve listened to several songs from my Broadway playlist and sung as loud as my lungs would let me. The car is silent. I wipe my sweaty palms on my dress. I opted for one of my favorites: close to the chest (not that I have much to show) and loose on the legs. The straps on my back make me feel sexy, yet I grab a short-sleeve cardigan to put on top. I’ve let my hair loose and it falls in an undisciplined cascade on my shoulders.

  For a second, I wish I’d worn my trusty boyfriend jeans with my usual v-cut T-shirt, but tonight I thought I’d try something different. I won’t try to hide.

  I step out of my car and smile at two people who are in some of my classes. They smile back without any whispers or widening of the eyes. Maybe I’m the only one who feels this tension in the air.

  “You made it!” Erin’s hair is dark brown-reddish. She told me once she has to pay money to have hair that’s not half as beautiful as mine. She gives me a side hug. “It’s already super crowded.”

  After everything that happened last year, she’s still guarded. I complain about whispers and having a hard time at school. She’s had a rough year too, and yet she volunteers in an association for missing children and always seems to think about helping people. Dimi kisses the top of her head in that familiar way of couples who’ve known each other for a long time.

  “Nice to see you,” he says with his deep and calm voice.

  “How’s college?” I ask him. He used to play football in our high school before a car accident destroyed his chance at a big pro career. He plays for Midwestern and still helps coach the high school team.

  “It’s going well. Lots to do but I think I’m handling it okay.” He has a half smile on. Some other junior girls stop close to us and giggle.

  Erin pulls him to her. “They’re talking about
you.”

  “People are always talking about somebody,” he replies and winks, but it’s kind of forced. They don’t want to be here either. “Do you want something to drink, Tessa?”

  “I’m good, thanks.”

  “I can get you a Diet Coke,” he says. “That’s what I’m drinking.” He shows me his can.

  “Sounds good,” I reply. I don’t want to drink tonight. I don’t drink much so when I do, I get tipsy pretty fast, and tonight I want to be aware. I want to remember every detail.

  “I’m glad you came,” Erin says. “I don’t come to the bonfire anymore…not since…” She bites her lip and I nod. She doesn’t need to explain. The horrors that happened to her, her family and Dimi’s sister are still on everyone’s mind. “But the football team asked Dimi to come tonight. They’re in spring training and since he’s been busy with his own spring training, he hasn’t seen them as much as he’d like.” She shoves some dirt away with her shoe. “It’s kind of weird to be back.”

  She and I struck up an odd friendship last year. Once people figured out who the Angel Killer was, some shunned her. Others tried to be her friends to get details. I simply invited her to eat lunch with me in the library one day. Since then, we eat lunch together once a week.

  “How is Nadia?” I ask. Nadia is Erin’s best friend and Dimi’s sister. Her boyfriend was murdered last October.

  “There are days she pretends to be okay but it’s actually worse because you can see how much she’s struggling. If the football team hadn’t invited Dimi here tonight, I’d be home with her. Luckily, Dimi’s best friend Gabe’s watching a movie with her.”

  Dimi comes back with my Diet Coke and three football players. They talk about plays and passes and opposing teams. One of them, Malik, settles next to me. He’s a junior like me and we’ve known each other forever. “Did you get what Mrs. Sanchez was saying in Spanish on Friday?”